It is a strange sort of pain "to die of yearning for something you'll never experience"

Saturday, December 28, 2002

"I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind"

read the whole here
here i am, sitting here, trying not to throw up!
not a nice way to get over the sleeplessness, i know! actualy i'm trying not to think!
but trying invain! it all come back, like a circle! a damn circle!
.....damn you...
what if God who placed the sun made you a little less unique?
what if i could stop comparing everyone with you?
what if i could stop being shackled to you
damn you, becaus of your being so pure, so pure that i can not resist!

"Ooh this could be messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this"

Friday, December 27, 2002

چه می شد اگر خدا؟

چه می شد اگر خدا،آن که خورشید را
،چون سیب درخشانی در میانه آسمان جا داد
،آن که رودخانه ها را به رقص در آورد،و کوه ها را برافراشت
چه می شد اگر او،حتی به شوخی
: مرا و تو را عوض می کرد
مرا کمتر شیفته
.تو را زیبا کمتر
نزار قبّانی

Thursday, December 26, 2002

Everybody Hurts

When your day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
when you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on.
Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along.
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
if you feel like letting go, (hold on)
when you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on.

Everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends.
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
when you think you've had too much of this life to hang on.

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes.
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on.
(Everybody hurts. You are not alone.)

Tuesday, December 24, 2002

"...looking for the summer"!

بازی در صحنه
در حضور دیگران می گویم تو محبوب من نیستی
.و در ژرفای وجودم می دانم چه دروغی گفته ام
می گویم میان ما چیزی نبوده است
.تنها برای این که از دردسر به دور باشیم
شایعات عشق را، با آن شیرینی،تکذیب می کنم
.و تا ریخ زیبای خود را ویران می کنم
،احمقانه،اعلام بی گناهی می کنم
،نیازم را می کشم،بدل به کاهنی می شوم
عطر خود را می کشم و
.از بهشت چشمان تو می گریزم
نقش دلقکی را بازی می کنم،عشق من
،و در این بازی شکست می خورم و باز می گردم
،زیرا که شب نمی تواند،حتی اگر بخواهد،ستارگانش را نهان کند
،و دریا نمی تواند حتی اگر بخواهد
.کشتی هایش را
نزار قبّانی

Sunday, December 22, 2002

Imitation Of Life

"Charades pop skill
Water hyacinth.
Name by a poet
Imitation of life.

Like a coy in a frozen pond.
Like a goldfish in a bowl.
I don't want to hear you cry.

That sugar cane that tasted good.
That cinnamon, that's Hollywood.
Come on, come on.
No-one can see you try.

You want the greatest thing
The greatest thing since bread came sliced.
You've got it all
You've got it sized.

Like a Friday fashion show
Teenager cruising in the corner
Trying to look like you don't try.

That sugar cane that tasted good.
That cinnamon, that's Hollywood.
Come on, come on.
No-one can see you try.

No-one can see you cry.

That sugar cane that tasted good.
That freezing rain, that's what you could.
Come on, come on.
No-one can see you cry.

This sugar cane, this lemonade
This hurricane, I'm not afraid.
Come on, come on.
No-one can see me cry.

This lightning storm, this tidal wave
This avalanche, I'm not afraid.
Come on, come on.
No-one can see me cry.

That sugar cane that tasted good.
That's who you are, that's what you could.
Come on, come on.
No-one can see you cry.

That sugar cane that tasted good.
That's who you are, that's what you could.
Come on, come on.
No-one can see you cry"

come on,please!

Thursday, December 19, 2002


it's snowing.
Sitting here gazing at the monitor,listening to Nirvana and Tori Amos,that's what i've been doing for hours!
i like it when i have nothing to say, nothing to type in this "edit your blog" page! i have had this joy for a week i guess.only copy-pasting lyrics.
oh, my last "personal" post was 10 days ago!!!
that's a good record for me, not a moment of selfish thoughts in 10 days, or maybe feeling so much selfish that made me not to write......ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz i'm getting confused, maybe it's because of the coffee or nirvana,maybe both!....anyway it "smells like teen spirit"....what does?

"And I forget just why I taste
Oh yeah, I guess it makes me smile
I found it hard, it was hard to find
Oh well, whatever, nevermind"

i wonder if anybody minds!

Wednesday, December 18, 2002

"Aerials In the sky
When you lose small mind you free your life "
(system of a down)
and Alanis again...

Sunday, December 15, 2002


Life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try ...................

Monday, December 09, 2002

my days are being spent! i guess by me.
well, i don't actualy remember how i spent the day at night! and that's the fun part,i sit there on my bed, with my hair up my head,scratching my toes trying to remember what i did all day!
..geting dressed as usual
trying to catch the bus as usual
and missing the bus as usual ofcourse!
but these are the daily stuff!
everyone does it, well i hope they don't miss the bus as much as i do, but that's what all poeple do,trying to pull themselves into the life of each moment of the day.
there are some other things which i do,like trying to write this blog thing in persian and always,belive me "always",delete the whole and start writing it in english!
or checking my mailbox every 2 hour hoping to get that expected "mail"!
or listening music,playing spider solitaire like some kinda meditation.
eat,looking at people.
yeah,people,lovely jerks. looking at you as if at a stranger with a raincoat prepering to dive in a pool full of lemon jelly!
ok, enough being such a noble socialized person!
let's get back to air!
next time, maybe tomorrow,when i'm in the mood to typed persian with my non-marked keyboard,i'm gonna add a poem here.
(non-marked keyboard, so you see why it seems that boring for me to type in persian),oh, well, there's another reason too,i feel strangly naked writing in persian! exactly the things which are personaly. i mean writing poems or pieces in persian is ok with me, the one who wrote them in the first place agreed to feel naked by publishing them.naked! i hope u know what i mean by that, soully naked! everyone knows what's going on, no black spots, no dark side, no secrets!
writing them in english has it's own naked-feeling stuff itself.but i can lean comfortable cuz nobody has the nerve to read them all....
thank you
thank you for being such lazy creatures!
you help me keep the dark side this way,thank you!

Sunday, December 08, 2002

You make me sick because I adore you so
I love all the dirty tricks
And twisted games you play on me

i just know them for 2 days and i already became a junkie! again!!!!
the music is awesome! great, what can i say, the lyrics are pure and touching!

Friday, December 06, 2002

چهارراه ها

بادی از مشرق
چراغ در خیابان
و خنجر
.در دل
می لرزد
.چون نخی که سفت کشیده اندش
می لرزد
.چون بال خرمگسی غول پیکر
همه جا من
خنجری میبینم
.در دل
(فدریکو گارسیا لورکا)

stop crying your heart out

Hold up hold on don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone

May your smile. Shine on. Don't be scared
Your destiny may keep you warm.

Cos all of the stars are fading away
Just try not to worry you'll see them some day
Take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Get up. Come on why you scared
You'll never change what been and gone

:و باز هم از یانیس ریتسوس
شنیدنی و ناشنیدنی

،حرکتی سریع ، دور از انتظار
.دست او،بر روی زخم چسبید تا خون را بند آورد
اما ما نه صدای شلیکی شنیدیم
.نه پرواز گلوله ای دیدیم
.دستش را پایین آورد،لبخندی زد
.اما باز دستش را سراند روی زخم
،کیفش را از جیب در آورد
.پولی را با نزاکت گذاشت دست گارسن و بیرون رفت
فنجان کوچک قهوه شکست
.این یکی را دیگر شنیدیم

Thursday, December 05, 2002

nice! check my guestbook, someone thinks just like me! this whole thing is boring.
"nice to know you"....and thanks for saying that!
the only thing that stops me from deleting this weblog is my endless selfishness....i hope to get over it soon and delete this...

...آره آقا

همهء همسایه ها فکرمیکنن
دیوانه ایم
مام فکر میکنیم اونا
دیوونه ن
...همه مون راس میگیم
(چارلز بوکوفسکی)

.پنجره را باز کرد.ملافه را روی هره پنجره انداخت،روز را دید
«.پرنده ای در چشمانش خیره شد.گفت:« تنهایم
زیر لب گفت:«زنده ام».وارد اتاق شد.آینه هم پنجره ای ست
.اگر از آن پایین بپرم،در بازوان خود جای میگیرم
(یانیس ریتسوس)

میدانید "جذام پوستی"چیست؟
وقتی است که پوست بدن آدم درد دیگران را احساس میکند....
(رومن گاری)

....و من درد او را حس کردم.

Wednesday, December 04, 2002

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here..
(pink floyd)

Monday, December 02, 2002

...I'm worse at what I do best
And for this gift I feel blessed..
how could i forget this? must have been you!
...And from the dark secluded valleys
I heard the ancient songs of sadness
But every step I thought of you
Every footstep only you
And every star a grain of sand
The leavings of a dried up ocean
Tell me, how much longer?
How much longer?....

..And I have never in my life
Felt more alone than I do now
Although I claim dominions over all I see
It means nothing to me
There are no victories
In all our histories, without love....

...And though you hold the keys to ruin
Of everything I see
With every prison blown to dust,
My enemies walk free
Though all my kingdoms turn to sand
And fall into the sea
I'm mad about you
I'm mad about you....
me, concepts and insatiablity
i felt desperate today as i was watching my freind talking about her project,i felt terribly desperate!
where the hell i'm going to?
seems that my concepts of life have been fade away.
who am i? skinny little nobody! no past and no future!
i don't even have the courage to admit it! i write it here because i know,no one will read it,except few people.maybe 2 or 3.
i drift into the strangest dreams Of youthful follies and changing teams
i gotta Admit i'm wrong, oh, no, not yet
Then i wake up and remember that i can't forget !!!
i even forget to remember what my concepts were!!!!!
i look around,every body's doing something, not me! what i do is just to get up everyday,go to univercity without even knowing a damn thing about what i'm learning(i don't even learn anything cuz i donno shit about it!)...wasting time, that's what i'm doing with my life,which through the concepts supposed to be a image of a insatiable hunger to explore,to run, to laugh,to love........
the only insatiable thing here is wanting love.which, we all know ,can't be caught!
so, here's what i'm gonna do....close this damn window,shut this monster down and go to bed,hoping that i'd dream.insatiablity hoping!

Sunday, December 01, 2002

"if love was red then she was colorblind!"
and so were we!